COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?