The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Stop.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards