Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice