Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Message from the dog groomers
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another