Hot Panini is in big trouble
You Might Also Like
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
professor x: what鈥檚 your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I鈥檓 not a professional photographer, I鈥檓 just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
No more excuses…
…I鈥檓 canceling that gym membership.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
There鈥檚 no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I鈥檓 done.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I鈥檓 not going to lie, pretty easily.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he鈥檚 waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)