Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.