A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My dad.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.