*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
You Might Also Like
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
me doing my best
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe