Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.