Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
sir, my pâté if you please