[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
You Might Also Like
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I don’t get marriage
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.