Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.