Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
You Might Also Like
Canadian owl: Eh?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
No way!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session