“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.