The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?