Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.