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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Bro what is this
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets