*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
me, after any kind of buffet.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?