How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?