me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.