Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
blocked.
the noise i just made
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.