Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when