Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
okay run it by me one more time
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I can also cook 😂
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake