6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
🐕🍷
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
being a writer on Twitter:
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid