YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.