*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.