My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Pigeon open mic night.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?