Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
This probably isn’t good
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.