I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school