Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.