I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff