We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.