Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
a wizard dating app called bumbledore