Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.