You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Pigeon open mic night.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!