My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
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Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Welcome to the stomach
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.