Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff