think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“I wouldn’t.”
Chicken bread
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
dictator is short for richard potato
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.