*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Finally, a door that understands me
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?