I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it