I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see