I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
mmm onion ringos
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day