Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.