Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel