What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂