I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!