Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
when you order from DoorDastardly
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My birthstone is kidney
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Free him
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.