I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
How to woo a woman
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.