[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
For anyone who needs this today
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello