Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
You Might Also Like
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
#titanic
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.